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At times we feel overwhelmed due to the need to have a potentially gritty conversation with a friend, colleague, boss, partner or family member. This is a theme which often pops up in my coaching practice. Usually we have gone over and over our thoughts of anxiety, resentment, anger or sadness – often imprisoned by a repetition of the same scenario as a hamster wheel in our minds, as we think of someone in a tricky scenario.

The way forward or out of this misery is to have a Gritty Conversation to clear misunderstandings, appreciate the other, express our needs and find a constructive way forward. The hamburger metaphor for gritty conversations is not new. However, my client, a dynamic market research team, and I have created a gourmet burger of conversation. This recipe is also pertinent as the basis for those dreaded performance appraisals which HR demand of us.

My friends will smile at my boldness in sharing recipes – as I am not known for my culinary skills – but this is a recipe of the mind and heart – and not the stomach! May it lead you to having conversations which clear your mind for happier thoughts and improved and richer relationships in your life.

Recipe for making a wholesome hamburger of feedback – a gritty conversation

1. Preparing the ingredients.

Be clear on your intentions for the conversation. What is your best intention? What message do you wish to convey? What will be a win/win outcome for this conversation? How should your mood be to best have the conversation – calm, centered and clear. How will you manage the tone if the other person becomes defended/emotional? When is the best time and place to have the conversation?

1. Top bun.

This is the appreciation ingredient. Affirm the other person in a genuine manner for something specific that they have done in their work, your relationship or as a team member.

1. Patty – either a yummy lentil patty or quality mince – good protein.

Present the facts of what you observed or what occurred without embellished stories or exaggerated emotions. State clearly why this might have been unacceptable to you and what your expectations were.

1. Tasty garnishing – pickles, tomatoes, cheese, onions and crispy lettuce.

Asking incisive questions is the deliciousness of any conversation. Ask the person for their version of events. What was their intention? What got in the way? How did they feel about the results? Listen with an open mind and heart. Do not interrupt. Acknowledge their feelings even if different to yours.

1. Bottom bun.

Summarise the conversation. Confirm both your understanding. Your version may well have shifted. Agree on actions going forward. Affirm the person for the way they showed up during your conversation.

1. Serve on a plate with a serviette.

This is the closure – pop the person a mail or text with a short summary of your agreement going forward. Keep the tone of the mail positive and again affirm the person.

There may well be people who are not willing to even taste your delicious burger – accept them in their hunger state as not being able or willing to shift their perspective by even having a conversation with you. We do not know what burdens people carry which leads to them shutting others out – but it is not for us to take this personally as it is not our business. Rather celebrate the people who are in your life and are willing to share a meal of human connection.

Here’s wishing you many great gritty conversations, which when held in a skilled, heartfelt and mindful way, will lead to feelings of calm, clarity, improved relationships and actions leading to great outcomes.

Mr Yodd was the name given to God by a character in Zakes Mda’s novel ‘The Whale Caller’. One of my favorite novels of all time. As an agnostic truth seeker Mr Yodd is appealing as this cuts through the chafe and allows me to honour all belief systems and religions and suggests a spiritual entity.

But here’s the thing. I have become curious about this sometimes-fatalistic attitude of people just going with a lazy and secretive attitude when it suits not to take a stand, being honest, making the effort of trying something new and instead just handing over to fate – or Mr Yodd.

Many people now resort to going to psychics and other new age modalities in getting the answers which suit their own fatalistic attitude rather facing reality and the course of a more challenging action. The term ‘spiritual bypassing’ is useful as it suggests that ignoring our unresolved psychological traumas and resorting to esoteric modalities creates even more entranced states which often can lead to first world addictions.

This topic can become deeply philosophical and I am aware of the paradox as letting go also means we are able to breathe out our anxiety and stress. Niebuhr’s serenity prayer is a wonderful reminder in ‘Mr Yodd, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.’

More troubling of late has been the interpretation by some so-called experts of the personality typology model, the Enneagram, which I have studied for many years and the topic of my authored a book ‘What’s your Tribe’. Each of these nine personality Types have a main fixation – that thing which leads us to remain asleep to our own potential for personal growth and navigating life in the kindest way to ourselves and others. These fixations are lust, sloth, pride, anger, gluttony, envy, stinginess, deceit and fear. The first seven are found in Biblical terms as the ‘Seven deadly sins’ and the last two were added by the original developers of the Enneagram model. The Enneagram is powerful when used as a model for honest self-reflection and then as a compass for further development. But this asks for a sober and honest mindset as we need to face our fixations daily and be willing to have the humility to own up to our nonsense and pick ourselves up and start over again. This happens through self-observation, welcoming feedback and treating ourselves with humor and kindness.

However, like any model it can be used to further ‘put people to sleep’ when used to massage the Ego into further slumber by excusing behavior in explaining away poor relationship and life choices with inherent fixations. This realization has led me to be more light about the nature of our personality and more curious about how we can focus on our choices as adults in overcoming life’s speedbumps, our addictions, choices of relationship entanglements and being our most authentic selves.

Victor Frankl reminds us that what matters is not the features of our character or the drives and instincts per se, but rather the stand we take toward them. And the capacity to take such a stand is what makes us human beings. Choice, Eckhart Tolle points out, implies consciousness-a high degree of consciousness. Without it we have no choice. Gabor Mate believes that addiction is a continuum, at one end of which lives the intravenous user hopelessly hooked on his habit. Most humans exist somewhere on that line between enslavement to destructive habits and the one end and total consciousness and nonattachment at the other. In exactly the same way, freedom of choice can be represented as a continuum. Very few people are ever to be found operating at the positive extreme, truly conscious and consistently free.

Other ‘letting go excuses’ might be:

• Ignoring an addictive aspect of ourselves – whether that be substances, technology devices, being workaholics or destructive habits
• Excessive grieving for someone and not allowing ourselves to live our lives fully as the person for whom we are grieving would have wished for us

Taking a stand might be:

• Leaving toxic relationships – whether with a partner, a job which diminishes our potential or a friendship which exhausts our energy
• Acceptance of getting older without excessive procedures but rather graciously accepting the autumn and winter years while remaining vital and curious

Brave coaches can give our clients a taste of developing this consciousness and freedom. We can hold up mirrors and ask the tough questions which our clients need to reflect and take action on in their development. We do this with courage and compassion. And we need to be mindful of the trap of our own projections and judgements.

Trickier can be navigating our own relationship field. When I see my friends and the people I care about taking on the ‘let go – let Mr Yodd’ attitude’ – I need to consciously refrain from harsh judgement, my own projections, unheeded advice, know it is rude to wake others up, remember why they are my friends – and let go – and let Mr Yodd!

My most magical www experience to date was finding the retreat in Thailand where I could volunteer as a teacher of the Enneagram and experience my own Eat, Love and Prayer. By simply searching 3 words – Thailand, Enneagram and Retreat – I found this non-profit therapeutic centre situated in northern Thailand, near Chiang Rai.

After a few e-mails and a Skype meeting with a faculty member, I booked my flights to Thailand. The New Life Thai Foundation is a community made up of residents, volunteers, and guests who stay for anything from a few weeks to even years. The activities are designed to cultivate mindfulness, a love of learning and spiritual growth. The community hails from all corners of the globe – people in search of a space for acceptance and learning the tools for moving forward. Calmness and serenity surrounds those challenged by stress, depression, anxiety, abuse, trauma, substance dependence or relationship challenges.

After a stressful flight which was delayed for 8 hours in Ethiopia, I had my own encounter with anxiety. Again, I learned that so often we imagine needless worst-case scenarios – in my case ‘one night in Bangkok to make a hard woman humble’ in imagining myself stranded on a Bangkok pavement as I had missed my connecting flight. My fears were allayed as the wonderful Thai staff whisked me off the plane, through passport control, put me up in a fancy hotel and arranged my connecting flight for the next morning – all with superb efficiency and delightful friendliness.

Mornings at the retreat start at 6h30 with the melodious sounds of a huge brass bell. The choice then is yoga or meditation. These activities take place in noble silence which started the night before, after dinner. I relished the yoga, set in an open hall with views of the Thai fields and the sun rising and facilitated by highly skilled practitioners. All meals are vegetarian; prepared mostly with ingredients cultivated on the farm. The food was exceptionally yummy, varied and nourishing.

The morning meeting is attended by the entire community where the activities of the day are communicated, visitors are introduced or bid farewell, followed by a guided meditation practice. Most of the community then do a two- hour work session – this may be looking after the ducks or cows, recycling, cleaning, gardening, building activity or food prep. My volunteering was teaching the Enneagram over 5 days in 90 minute workshops during the afternoons. During my second week I gave 23 members coaching feedback on their Enneagram styles. Further learning activities offered are therapies in art, Cognitive Behaviour, Addiction, Body-Centring and Biodanza. In the evenings community members develop leadership by facilitating activities such as drum circles, public speaking, Reiki and 5 Rhythms dance. I also facilitated Women’s Conversation Circles on the topics of Identity and Relationships. These discussions were rich and interesting as the women are from diverse countries, ages and contexts.

On the week ends we pooled to catch the local open taxis to Chiang Rai for a few hours of market visits, sampling Thai food and sublime massages. Community members used the bikes to venture off into the beautiful countryside, play soccer with the local school children or watch movies. I relished my walks around a lake and was entranced by flocks of crane rising out of the marshes into the early morning mists.

After two weeks I bid the community farewell. I felt restored with newfound hope, a sense of calm, gratitude for both the big and small things in relationships and nature – and richer for the immense learning opportunity of having met so many wonderfully curious people – all of us just walking each other home.

The last few days were action packed as I met up with my adventurous daughter who had been traveling in Laos. We visited magnificent temples, cycled through farmlands, caught local buses to Chiang Mai and visited the magnificent mountainous Chiang Dao. The highlight there was visiting a forest temple with views as if planted on the top all Earthlings, wading with the locals in steam baths, visiting a barista who grows and roasts his own delicious coffee – and being a brave passenger on my daughter’s hired scooter!

Although I am grateful and happy to be reunited with my family, friends and countrymen – a wee part of my soul remains in Thailand where I hope to return at the end of this year for more loving, eating, praying, teaching and learning in my newfound community.

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